I miss you
Today I was actually too tired to work, didn’t have any energy at all and didn’t really want to talk to anyone. A new guy at the door tried to make conversation, don’t know the english word for “kallprat” asked me if I liked my job. With too much going on in my mind I didn’t really sound too enthusiastic about it, so he didn’t really believe me when I said I love it. And I wasn’t enthusiastic about it, because I really didn’t feel like standing there and try to talk and answer questions that he didn’t really care about hearing anyways. Besides, I think the difficulty in telling how I really feel about my job lies a lot in the fact that I’m in a crossrow right now. Or I’m not really there yet, but I see it approach me faster and faster and I can’t decide until I can see my exits more clearly. There are soo many possibilities right now which road should I go down? I really like my current job and my boss is planning on giving me a fulltime job, with more responsibility and higher influence, which is great! It would give me better references and I would learn a lot of new things and I could change things and affect things on my own working scene, just as I did at Lucky Seven. And the schedule would be a dream, I would work from 12.30 until 21. Lovely for the kind of evening person I am. I could work full time and earn money, enough to maybe open my café one day. But I’m also getting very restless and I’m thinking about applying to the jewellery design course in milan, then I would rather use the summer to go to italy and practice my italian. I have already applied for two jobs that seems very interesting. One in a touristvillage as hostess, boutique assistant or singer and the other at a travel agency as a tourist guide. I’d love to do both. And I know I’m qualifyed for them and would do a great job on either. First I have to wait and see if they want me, then I have to check out the school and see if I want to apply for it. If I do that, it’s really a decision I make for the closest maybe 5 to 10 years. Staying here means postponing that decision of what to do with my life. It also means staying here. And that means to start living here, maybe try to find a boyfriend. Try to settle down. I’m just not sure I want to settle down. But if all the other things fail, it’s not bad to stay here, it’s just aiming a little lower in life. Though where I stand right now in my mind… I want to aim high. I want to achieve the unachievable.
Today also in my a little “drifty” mood I saw a guy that reminded me of Isa. And all of a sudden I realized that I missed him, that’s a feeling I never thought I would have. I was standing there and I thought how happy it would have made me if it really was him. When I left Casablanca and stockholm I was sad to leave all of them. Not cause they are the most loveable people in the world but because they’d been around me for the last 3 years and I’d grown attached to them. But even at that point even though I was sad to leave them I never thought I’d actually miss them. But here I am, reminded from a quick face that on a closer look didn’t look like him at all, missing him, missing all of them.
So I’m going to bed now, still not knowing what to do next in my life, with a little bit of “I miss you” in my heart.