what to do, what to do….?
I’m searching within to see if I can find out what to do… Going to Milan should be one of my dreams, awakening a feeling of joy and excitement. It feels like it should be the natural choice, I just can’t find that joyful feeling. Like I had before going to Malmö. But I don’t know if that feeling doesn’t show up just cause I’m blocked overall and that moving to Malmö didn’t really improve any part of my life, Is life tired of being disappointed? I guess I don’t know what to expect. But I still don’t want to expect anything cause I really don’t want to be disappointed.. I’m confused… So I can’t uptain any excitement of going to the jewellery design course, but neither can I when it comes to my other big plan.. the café..
I love the stillness here, but I hate the non-living.. because I don’t, I don’t live here. Every once in a while something happens to bring the excitement back. It is like there are great promising possibilities, but no opportunities. And I do know what I want out of life… I want to meet new interesting people, I want to make deeper connections and real friends. I want to grow in my spirituality, I want to express my creativity. I want to learn more, more abut myself, more about people, more about life. And I want to experience. I want real experiences, I want more memoryboxes. I want real meetings, I want to have more clear channels. I want to love. and I want to be loved. I’m not looking for the short term romances anymore. I want to be friends with my lovers. I want more amusing moments, laughter with friends. I want the creative feeling I get when looking in a catalogue and hundreds of ideas comes to me. I want the sun to shine in my hair and feeling really good about it. I’m almost panicking theese days because the weather is so lovely and I have no one to share it with.. And I’m not living and soon there will be rainy days….
As with life, I’m still young, but that time will past and I can’t waste it in this non-living misery. I have to go to Milan and if my heart gets broken again, so be it! I’ve arosen before, I can do it again.. It’s been good to have all theese male friends and not worrying about love. But I think I need to worry a little bit about love. I need to get out of my cocoon and not be so old and bitter.
And I need the possibilities to become opportunities, what was it I said to myself a year ago..? Turn the meaninglessness into meaningfulness.
April 11th, 2007 at 4:38 am
I’m without words.. reading theese phrases it seems you are so sad! but i cant think you really have this feelling! you must find joy and all the nice things of life you write about! but probabily you also should stop looking for them.. becouse (it happened to me) perhaps only in this way “they” will come to you! One day you’ll know someone that change your life, and everything will be different.. but i repeat, dont look for it without breathing, think about the good things you got and more than everyother thing live like everyday could be the last.. so you could savour the special things you have in your life! I wish you all the best… GreatKISS.. Dany