Cat n rat
I hate this time, trying to be smart and flirtatious and funny and get your will through.. I used to love it once, and I was really good at it.. Don’t know what has changed, I think I’m more of a perfectionist theese days, I want the messages to be perfect! I also think I’m more scared now then I was before… Just now.. it took me half an hour to get away a message. I wasn’t really nervous about scaring him off, I just wanted it to be the perfect message, leaving all doors open but at the same time I’m afraid it was a bit too frank… I said exactly what I wanted that I’m going to bed now(we talked about me coming out with him and some other colleagues earlier today) but that I would have wanted to see him and maybe we could go for a coffee some day. I’m afraid I might have lost the ”cat n rat” part… Immediately afterwards I put off the sound on my phone and threw it away, couldn’t bear being so nervous, jumping at the sound of a message.. I’m such a wuss sometimes.. And whilst I was writing this, he answered…
I guess missing out on the cat n rat part might effect me more than him, I’ll try not to project any old stories on him… I guess that’s what scares me, cause reading from his last message I could interpret it sooo wrong and if I can he might as well.. I think I really don’t want to mess this up.. And I’m sooo good at pushing things to the edge, thinking I want something and then all of a sudden change my mind. Right now I really want him to answer my last message but I really don’t want him to interpret it as I wanted him to when I wrote it as I on the same time don’t want him to interpret it in another way. Damn, it’s difficult to be me sometimes. I’m afraid of the no-turning points, I’m afraid of consequences, but I know that it’s all that comes from acting and not acting and having no consequences at all can be even worse sometimes. I want to see him tonight but I don’t want to rush things. I don’t want to play the cat n rat game, and still I do. I want to be the cat, I want the rat to run away from me but I don’t want to lose it. I want to be the rat but I’m no good at playing that part.. I could have him over just by saying so, in a few minutes, and I really want to see him, but where would that lead?