Heart wide open
I had a thought right now.. That no matter what it was that happened, no matter what it is he’s feeling, the insights about those feelings and happenings are never sure to be true, they will only be projections from my own mind. Or from what people around me think. I’m not even sure that asking him would lead to any answers. Because who knows how much he knows about his thoughts and feelings. And most of the times accepting that I will not know the truth about him is one of the ways closer to healing. I can only dig deeper in my own feelings. And you’ve read it before, I wanted to feel a little bit I wanted to be in love, love was in the air and when he came along with his matching hormons, with smartness, depth and a wonderful touch my heart set itself wideopen. I was ready to have a little springcrush, I was ready to be in love with him. Unfortunately by telling me he liked me, by telling me he thought we suited eachother very well, he made all the shields I have fall off. I thought this was good, this was getting really good, mutual good. Being this good, it can’t go wrong, “I will go away this fall, well being this good, we’ll work it out.” All of a sudden I fell. My heart was so open that powerful winds could storm around inside of it, powerful winds that made it impossible to shut the damn heart. Already at the first sign of his distance I thought, maybe I shouldn’t do this, maybe it’s better to forget him and move on and find a handsome italian guy instead. But it was already too late, my heart protested, sent long heating shivers along my neck. I wish I could have realized this long before, I wish I wouldn’t have been so open to start with, I wish I wouldn’t have been so afraid coz I’m afraid that was what made him change. I won him with an open heart and I lost him when the heart started to fear. I wish I could win him again. That’s what I wish most of all… Actually I’m glad I put my heart at risk again, I’m glad for the moments I got, I wish I could get more of them. Many more.. A friend of mine said to me yesterday,when I told him the story.. “You see, feelings are dangerous!” And I told him back “No, honey, You are too careful with your heart, it’s not so bad to risk it every once in a while.” It’s life and life is meant for living and as soon as I’m healed I’m going to fall in love again and again and again. But of course, hopefully, it will take long because he will return to me… 