No fairytale
I’ve noticed he’s not in my dreams anymore. I don’t think about him all that often and when I do my rational self knows he doesn’t deserve my heart. A big part of me doesn’t want him anymore, and I can’t really say if it’s my heart that does want him or if it’s my hopes and dreams and illusions that don’t want to let go. But every once in a while something (it might not at all be logical) strikes a tune in my soul and I’m reminded that I still have a heartache. And as my rational self reasons that love is all hormons and illusions, it really bugs me that he has all these hormons and hopes and illusions for the other girl. Some part of me is really annoyed that he’s in love with her when love with all it’s unlogical, hormonical, illusional reasons he could just as well have been in love with me instead. And another part of me, probably my romantic storytelling side, hopes that she will fall in love with him and they will end up together (and I know deep inside that won’t happen) It’s like I want to, I need to see that love works somewhere in this messy drama. That it would ease my pain in a way, it would ease my pain that he’s not unhappily in love with someone as I am unhappily in love with him. Yes, the story as it is really bugs me. It’s no fairytale. I wish I could bend my head over greater love than mine. And here I stand looking out on a messy world full of hopes and illusions and I see my own illusions fall. And as they fall I know they can never return again, and they will not become reality. It hurts to say goodbye to them and it’s hard to say goodbuy to them and at the same time not close down my heart. All I can hope for now is that reality is better than the illusions.