Il bosco delle fate

I think I’m blocked

citronkatten — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:59:01 +0000

Last saturday I ran into the guy that slept here at my place some month or two ago (the first guy in my new round bed actually:)) He looked at me with velvet eyes and told me that he thought it was a shame we hadn’t spoken much recently. This meeting with him made me realize two things. First of all that I knew exactly how to enchant him and that I really didn’t need that kind of confirmation. And secondly that my heart at the moment is so closed that I don’t even think it would react if the perect guy came along. All the buzz and the fuzz being in love just seems veeery tiresome for me today. My mind would be pleased with some loveaction, flirting, dating, smsing. But my heart, oh my heart is really not up for a match in the love arena. And it probably has a lot to do with the no need of confirmation and the tiredness of human behaviour.

I guess there will be a long time before you here me talking love here again.. And about the rest…. I’m still confused

Nice night

citronkatten — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 04:23:10 +0000

I’m just a little itsy tipsy bit drunk… And I had a fun night, I guess fun nights are mostly when you yourself make them fun. And in that case I did… The artist playing Bobby Valentino (no I didn’t know who he was before I ordered the ticket) was not as good as he could have had been (hmm is that correct grammar??? Well I never do write correct grammar anyway…) Too much talkin about “the sexy single ladies” and too little singing.. But overall the night was really nice. I had a nice night working.. I love my work.. Rarely boring and mostly really enjoyable. And after that going out with fun people, and dancing lotsa, lotsa dancing.. And I discovered that bosnian guys are usually really pretty, they fit into my taste anyway.. Ok.. enough shitchatting.. I’m going to sleep.. Nite nite!

Living in the present

citronkatten — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 01:26:12 +0000

Sometimes I feel like I’m nagging the same issues over and over and over. It’s just boring. Because my big central issues are still the same, you know, home, work, boyfriend(s) all that really important shit that I still feel confused about. And even though I get new ideas and I can sense a small clarity once in a while. I’m still here, still confused. And writing it down here just bores me. But my life is not boring (or is it?) Well I mean it could be better if I just could sort out my confusion a little bit..

I’ve been thinking the last year about living in the present.. The absolute present.. like here and now. And there has been a lot of emotions coming out of that thought. Most of them included some kind of stress. And absolutely when I stop and think, have I been doing what I really wanted today? Because the times I usually think that thought the answer is almost always “no” And the times I don’t think about living in the present and just live in the present are the times I live the most. And it’s not a very boring life I live. I live and I learn and I live a little more and I learn a little more. Sometimes I live by having fun, sometimes by crying, sometimes by having smart conversations (with someone or just with myself) sometimes by experiencing intimacy (I wish I had a little bit more of those time theese times)

So what am I thinking now? you think. I’m thinking that maybe if I started to live a little bit more in the present (planning for the future and remembering the past can be nice things to do in the present as well) and stopped thinking about it (because that’s one thing I’m afraid of since it always brings about the stress) Maybe I wouldn’t have all that stress and maybe I could enjoy the present a little more and maybe I wouldn’t be all that confused about what I’m doing with my life.

Beautiful people

citronkatten — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 01:41:38 +0000

I just wanted to say that I love beautiful people!! Some people you just want to put in a glassbox so you could just sit and watch them all day long. Tonight there was this man, boy, hmm more boy than man in comparasy to the other men he was with I suppose. But he had the purest features and beautifully sharp blue eyes. I made up reasons to pass him and tried to find an angle from where I could watch him without it looking suspicious.. Unfortunately my favorite lookoutpost was too far away.. damn…

I could tell you plenty of what I have discovered about Jonas as well but I just don’t have the time nor energy to write it all down, let’s just put it this way; Apparently his inside is as ugly as his teeth. And as I always say; “Never trust a guy with ugly teeth” From now on I will do the opposit of what people say.. I’m going after the beautiful people, because the charming ones are usually the ones with the most ugly inside. And if the beautiful man will break my heart he’s no different from soo many others and at least I get to enjoy the aesthetics for a while.

Strange things

citronkatten — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 22:34:01 +0000

I accidently opened the door without looking through the peakhole.. And there was a man with a huge beard who wanted me to join “hyresgästföreningen” (appartmentrentingcooperation sort of) He took my phonenumber to give me a call back after I’d have talked to the other guys in my appartment about it and I was just about to chlose the door and he started asking me questions and talk about other things.. I think I talked with him for at least half an hour.. He was nice and friendy but all the while I thought it was a bit strange.. I don’t quite remember what time it could have been that he was ringing the doorbell but it must have been later than 20.00, what are “hyresgästföreningen”’s guys doing out this late? He said he was going to give me a call about hyresgästföreningen “and maybe ask you out for a coffee hehe”. And that guy knows where I live and has my phonenumber.. maybe a little scary..
If I had the least bit tendencies for paranoia they would start now..
I also had a missed call from a unknown number who when I looked it up belonged to a lady with an older lady’s name living outside of gothenburg and when I called it back was answered buy a what it sounded like younger guy with a little bit more northern accent…
Well I’m not paranoid so…

But I still think the “hyresgästföreningen”guy was really strange.. especially now that I’m thinking about which time it was that he came here.. and why didn’t he go around the building ringing other doorbells afterwords?
Maybe I am a little bit paranoid after all…

Lost

citronkatten — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 18:50:04 +0000

I’m just lost..

Sentimental, feeling a bit down.. Had a fallback some days ago..

But I was humming a melody some days ago and theese words came to me, I like them

“As his heart looks at me through those sharp eyes… I vaporize..”

Longing for tomorrow

citronkatten — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 21:55:24 +0000

Not because I’ll get my nails done, but because this day finally will be over…

Oh, it’s not so bad really. I just had a bad hairday and who do one always run into on bad hairdays? Well of course him, with the girl who I suspect he’s with(not the one he’s in love with) Still can’t see what he sees in her when he could have me, she must be damn good in bed… Well my heart didn’t skip a beat when I saw him, that’s good. He’s still in my mind, that’s bad. And I really didn’t like my hair today, that’s bad. And this is not the worst.. I got a mail from the italian designschool, apparently they haven’t understood that I’m not going to attain there, that’s bad, that’s really bad. Luckily it shouldn’t be that big of a problem if I call them tomorrow and sort things out, but it still took a quite hard grip around my heart. Hua.. I was thinking that maybe fate stepped in, maybe this is what I’m supposed to do, I’d have to get the csn-things rolling immediately, find somewhere to live and no, no, no,no.. I really don’t want to! I guess really realizing that is a good thing.. I want it to be tomorrow, so I can fix this mess.

And about him… I can’t fix that, but I can shop for new clothes and make my nails and feel stunning… at least…

Crumbling in faith

citronkatten — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 21:45:33 +0000

Heartache showed me where my heart was and the heart spoke out loud when I tried to go in the wrong direction and then she continued to speak loud and clear all upto the real point of acting upon it. And one little shake made me crumble totally. I don’t know what step to take next.. Cool and calm and all of a sudden cast away. I know he means well, I know they all do, trying to follow a dream is probably never easy especially when you just have the feeling of the dream and not the clarity. Of course having a safe foundation to stand on is optimal and maybe I will take that path later on in life but as I stand right now it’s about being here and now, it’s about having faith, it’s about believing in my heart and it’s about trust. Even when people I love tell me I’m on a risky path..

“You can’t stay on the casino for all your life!” No dad, I can’t and if things go the way I hope I won’t either….

What’s with all the design schools without heart?

citronkatten — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 13:13:38 +0000

I think I’ve realized what annoys me with swedish (probably many other countries too) design and art schools; That even when we’re talking about a matter so close to the emotional and eterial side of us as forms and art, they still teaches us the matter from the left side of the brain, from the analytical and logical point of view. When almost all forms of art and form and design springs from the right side, it appeals to us on the right side. Something made from the analytical and logical parts of us can never speak to the heart unless it has it’s inspiration from our deeper emotions and our spiritual selves.. And reading academical language describing a course in art or design or reading a students description of a project makes me wanna run faaaar away from that, because it lacks the heart. And what is art without heart?

I’m getting closer to realizing who I am and what I want. Artistery, Spirituality, Psychology and heart lotsa, lotsa heart gotta be in it.

Emotional roller coaster

citronkatten — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 13:54:00 +0000

Resignation, annoyance, acceptance, hope, acceptance again, annoyance, resignation…. Now I know who the third girl is. It annoys me… What a mess.. Why would I want to put my heart in that mess? Am I giving up too early? FAAAAAAAN!!!!! Irritated again… Let him go let him go let him go…. He’s in love with one and he sleeps with another there’s no room for me here and why would I want to? Damn.. Resignation, annoyance, acceptance, hope, acceptance, annoyance, resignation…..