Il bosco delle fate

I’ve noticed he’s not in my dreams anymore. I don’t think about him all that often and when I do my rational self knows he doesn’t deserve my heart. A big part of me doesn’t want him anymore, and I can’t really say if it’s my heart that does want him or if it’s my hopes and dreams and illusions that don’t want to let go. But every once in a while something (it might not at all be logical) strikes a tune in my soul and I’m reminded that I still have a heartache. And as my rational self reasons that love is all hormons and illusions, it really bugs me that he has all these hormons and hopes and illusions for the other girl. Some part of me is really annoyed that he’s in love with her when love with all it’s unlogical, hormonical, illusional reasons he could just as well have been in love with me instead. And another part of me, probably my romantic storytelling side, hopes that she will fall in love with him and they will end up together (and I know deep inside that won’t happen) It’s like I want to, I need to see that love works somewhere in this messy drama. That it would ease my pain in a way, it would ease my pain that he’s not unhappily in love with someone as I am unhappily in love with him. Yes, the story as it is really bugs me. It’s no fairytale. I wish I could bend my head over greater love than mine. And here I stand looking out on a messy world full of hopes and illusions and I see my own illusions fall. And as they fall I know they can never return again, and they will not become reality. It hurts to say goodbye to them and it’s hard to say goodbuy to them and at the same time not close down my heart. All I can hope for now is that reality is better than the illusions.

And so the worst enemy of all when it comes to heartache has finally left me; the hope of his return. And actually after having spoken to him today, I’m quite thankful he kept me out of his messy heart. But it still hurts of course.. It’s the loss that hurts and the failed expectations. It hurts that he’s in love with another girl, it hurts that he said he liked me but didn’t mean it that way, and I’m going to cry over this, cry it all out and then I’m going to be okay, cause I also feel this intense happiness rushing through me at the same time. And as these subtle tears have flooded there will be more room for that happiness. And tomorrow I’m going home, love life’s timing sometimes.

I think I’ve finally realized what it is I really want…. Or I’ve always known deep inside, but it has finally surfaced. I want to stay in sweden, I want to open my café and I want Val, San and Jens to help me… Malmö or Stockholm? Well, why not both? All of a sudden everything seems clear, what I want, what I wish for. And without him, without the broken heart and all those open wounds I would probably never have realized. Or not until it was already too late. I must remember to listen to my heart, that in the end, she knows the truth. I can’t go away from my family, from my friends, from the people that love and support me. Why would I want to? Career has never been my primary goal in life, love is.  Being creative is, but there are sooo many more ways to be and still be close to my loved ones. Thank you Jonas for the love, for the pain and for making me realize….

I had a dream tonight, and for once it wasn’t as negative as the others, I was talking to some friends about Marco and his fantastic kisses, when Jonas enters the room and sits down besides me to listen to our chatter. I could feel the chemistry between us and he had a friendly face. When I woke up, he wasn’t the immediate thing I thought about, still, after only 6 hours of sleep I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the intense feeling in my stomach..

Yesterday, sitting at the hairdresser I realized a lot of things. It’s like I’m an open wound right now, every thought of loss makes me start to cry, I had to bite my lip several times not to start at the salong. This heartache is not only because of him… Nor any other guy that have broken it before. It’s grieving over loss, grieving over missing that I haven’t been able to feel before. And it’s grieving over the more feelings of those to come. I miss my friends and family. And I know of the even harder times to come when I will see even lesser of them. And there’s a lot of goodbuys coming up soon, also those of Malmö. And every good buy is a loss for the heart. A heartache that also needs to be taken care of. Wherefor being an open wound right now allows me to grieve for all losses. A not so very fun fase to go through but probably oh, so necessary. So he had a purpose he also, maybe I can let him go soon…

I had a thought right now.. That no matter what it was that happened, no matter what it is he’s feeling, the insights about those feelings and happenings are never sure to be true, they will only be projections from my own mind. Or from what people around me think. I’m not even sure that asking him would lead to any answers. Because who knows how much he knows about his thoughts and feelings. And most of the times accepting that I will not know the truth about him is one of the ways closer to healing. I can only dig deeper in my own feelings. And you’ve read it before, I wanted to feel a little bit I wanted to be in love, love was in the air and when he came along with his matching hormons, with smartness, depth and a wonderful touch my heart set itself wideopen. I was ready to have a little springcrush, I was ready to be in love with him. Unfortunately by telling me he liked me, by telling me he thought we suited eachother very well, he made all the shields I have fall off. I thought this was good, this was getting really good, mutual good. Being this good, it can’t go wrong, “I will go away this fall, well being this good, we’ll work it out.” All of a sudden I fell. My heart was so open that powerful winds could storm around inside of it, powerful winds that made it impossible to shut the damn heart. Already at the first sign of his distance I thought, maybe I shouldn’t do this, maybe it’s better to forget him and move on and find a handsome italian guy instead. But it was already too late, my heart protested, sent long heating shivers along my neck. I wish I could have realized this long before, I wish I wouldn’t have been so open to start with, I wish I wouldn’t have been so afraid coz I’m afraid that was what made him change. I won him with an open heart and I lost him when the heart started to fear. I wish I could win him again. That’s what I wish most of all… Actually I’m glad I put my heart at risk again, I’m glad for the moments I got, I wish I could get more of them. Many more.. A friend of mine said to me yesterday,when I told him the story.. “You see, feelings are dangerous!” And I told him back “No, honey, You are too careful with your heart, it’s not so bad to risk it every once in a while.” It’s life and life is meant for living and as soon as I’m healed I’m going to fall in love again and again and again. But of course, hopefully, it will take long because he will return to me…

They say time is a healer. And that’s the only healer I trust at the moment. I think I need to hear the entire truth. Even though it probably will hurt as hell. My theory at the moment is that he met a girl that night, from where it all changed. He had sex with her with the drunken reason that I will go away eventually anyway and when he realized what he had done he reasoned that being able to do that he probably didn’t feel as strongly for me as he believed before. And if he was falling in love with me, that was what made him fall out of love.. Either way whatever that thing might have been something made him fall out. And realizing that hurts as hell, but it also makes it easier to move on.. My heart still hopes he will fall back in love with me. But if he doesn’t, this feeling will pass too, it does, it always does. Thankfully.

I can feel the healingprocess has begun. And I will have good days and bad days. And eventually time will have done it’s job.

What’s the point of this heartache? Last time, benefits came along with the pain. Crying, feeling, in a strange way felt good. I landed in myself, because the feeling was mine. I got in deeper touch with my intuition. What will I learn from this, what awakening must I go through? Why the hell does it hurt so much? I know it did last time too, but it took so damn long o get over him must I go through this again? I’m trying to think like Frank Sinatra. I’m trying to see the fun part of living and feeling and loving. But sometimes the pain is just so incredibly overwhelming. I remember watching a show with Dolly Parton. To make good music she really needed to feel and I remember I admired her for really living and really feeling. So here I am. I’m living life. I’m in the dance, I’m in the music, only the tune is quite sad at the moment..

They say, listen to your heart. But can I really? Does broken hearts really tell the truth? Because if I would listen to my heart, I would send him messages every night. I would stay up all night long to find out things about him on the internet. I would not try to forget him. I would continue to hope that he eventually will change idea and come back to me, even though there’s no possible happy ending near sight. I would go up to him and kiss him everytime I met him. I would not stop thinking of him and I would cry, cry and cry some more. I would have asked every girl I’ve ever seen him talk to if he had said anything about me. I would call him just to hear his voice. I would ask him to come over. I would ask him if he could give us a try anyway. I would shoot myself in the foot again and again and again….

Not in the english sense of that meaning.. He pulled the “you will fall in love”-card in the game of life and hid it under the carpet, that’s cheating! I’m not sure that’s what has happened, but I have a feeling… He really liked me some week ago and last week something strange happened. It could be nothing really, it could be my own fears and projections. He’s distant.. I have the feeling he really started to get feelings for me and then realized that this very fall I will go away, I’m not sure he’s very successful in what he’s trying to do right now, but he’s trying to shut off those feelings. I know guys who knows how to do that, they are skilled with hiding the card under the carpet, I don’t think he is, but he’s trying, oh, I can feel he’s trying.. A friend of mine said ” Of course he is, I totally understand him, why shoot yourself in the foot just cause shooting is fun? You know it’ll hurt.” He’s also a guy btw… I don’t think he’s gonna make it… He’s gonna shoot himself in the foot, and I wont make it easy for him not to…

I hate this time, trying to be smart and flirtatious and funny and get your will through.. I used to love it once, and I was really good at it.. Don’t know what has changed, I think I’m more of a perfectionist theese days, I want the messages to be perfect! I also think I’m more scared now then I was before… Just now.. it took me half an hour to get away a message. I wasn’t really nervous about scaring him off, I just wanted it to be the perfect message, leaving all doors open but at the same time I’m afraid it was a bit too frank… I said exactly what I wanted that I’m going to bed now(we talked about me coming out with him and some other colleagues earlier today) but that I would have wanted to see him and maybe we could go for a coffee some day. I’m afraid I might have lost the ”cat n rat” part… Immediately afterwards I put off the sound on my phone and threw it away, couldn’t bear being so nervous, jumping at the sound of a message.. I’m such a wuss sometimes.. And whilst I was writing this, he answered…

I guess missing out on the cat n rat part might effect me more than him, I’ll try not to project any old stories on him… I guess that’s what scares me, cause reading from his last message I could interpret it sooo wrong and if I can he might as well.. I think I really don’t want to mess this up.. And I’m sooo good at pushing things to the edge, thinking I want something and then all of a sudden change my mind. Right now I really want him to answer my last message but I really don’t want him to interpret it as I wanted him to when I wrote it as I on the same time don’t want him to interpret it in another way. Damn, it’s difficult to be me sometimes. I’m afraid of the no-turning points, I’m afraid of consequences, but I know that it’s all that comes from acting and not acting and having no consequences at all can be even worse sometimes. I want to see him tonight but I don’t want to rush things. I don’t want to play the cat n rat game, and still I do. I want to be the cat, I want the rat to run away from me but I don’t want to lose it. I want to be the rat but I’m no good at playing that part.. I could have him over just by saying so, in a few minutes, and I really want to see him, but where would that lead?