Il bosco delle fate

Wanted to write something.. but too much has happened, too much and nothing is on my mind.. I’ll write what I wrote on my swedish blog (only known by Sandra and Johanna, and should probably stay that way too..)

My mother thought the other day “Jonas and Josefine”.. Then she thought “Why did I think that?” she continued her thinking, satisfied ”It sounds good together, that may absolutely be his name” My mother has a very strong intuition.
And everybody who shows up nowadays are either aries or libras, what’s that about? Cardinal signs obviously.. they stand for action (even though it could be hard to believe about libra:)..)
In Uppsala a Bobby put a strong, protective arm around my waist and pulled me away from old gamblers from heron.. Bobby was also the name of the gambler I hated the most during that time. I like the symbology from that scenario..
Yesterday someone expressed his love for me.. An aquarius who loves drama played “You are the woman of my life and I know that now” Too bad that history belongs to a chapter so far back in my life that there’s no possibility to start that book over again. Besides he had really ugly teeth and wrote lousy poetry…
Terry is a new friend, from Birmingham, who studies music and business, we met on the plane back from London (aries) Alex is his friend, studies in lund (libra) We sat on lilla torg tuesday night and had deep interesting discussions.
Jonas is btw the name of a colleague who slept at my place last saturday (libra)
And I had a very warm fuzzy feeling tingeling in my body the whole sunday…

I’ve asked for signs.. I’ve asked to be told if the path I’m about to chose is the right one for me. tomorrow I’ll mail the application form to blueberry. Yesterday I talked to my father, talking about following dreams and successing we talked about San’s ex boyfriend who is a dancer. Who took expensive dancing classes but is doing great and is not afraid of doing things because for him nothing is impossible. Tonight he came online on msn, told me his current project is doing great and I read the reviews. Splendid! I take this as a sign. I think I can’t ask for a better or more clear sign actually. I think I might be on the right path..

I’m searching within to see if I can find out what to do… Going to Milan should be one of my dreams, awakening a feeling of joy and excitement. It feels like it should be the natural choice, I just can’t find that joyful feeling. Like I had before going to Malmö. But I don’t know if that feeling doesn’t show up just cause I’m blocked overall and that moving to Malmö didn’t really improve any part of my life, Is life tired of being disappointed? I guess I don’t know what to expect. But I still don’t want to expect anything cause I really don’t want to be disappointed.. I’m confused… So I can’t uptain any excitement of going to the jewellery design course, but neither can I when it comes to my other big plan.. the café..

I love the stillness here, but I hate the non-living.. because I don’t, I don’t live here. Every once in a while something happens to bring the excitement back. It is like there are great promising possibilities, but no opportunities. And I do know what I want out of life… I want to meet new interesting people, I want to make deeper connections and real friends. I want to grow in my spirituality, I want to express my creativity. I want to learn more, more abut myself, more about people, more about life. And I want to experience. I want real experiences, I want more memoryboxes. I want real meetings, I want to have more clear channels. I want to love. and I want to be loved. I’m not looking for the short term romances anymore. I want to be friends with my lovers. I want more amusing moments, laughter with friends. I want the creative feeling I get when looking in a catalogue and hundreds of ideas comes to me. I want the sun to shine in my hair and feeling really good about it. I’m almost panicking theese days because the weather is so lovely and I have no one to share it with.. And I’m not living and soon there will be rainy days….

As with life, I’m still young, but that time will past and I can’t waste it in this non-living misery. I have to go to Milan and if my heart gets broken again, so be it! I’ve arosen before, I can do it again.. It’s been good to have all theese male friends and not worrying about love. But I think I need to worry a little bit about love. I need to get out of my cocoon and not be so old and bitter.

And I need the possibilities to become opportunities, what was it I said to myself a year ago..? Turn the meaninglessness into meaningfulness.

I made a necklace yesterday, it was really cool… And today I showed it to one of my roomates, ”Ah!” he said very appreciating. “It looks very christmasy.” And all of a sudden I saw the necklacee with totally different eyes… It is very beautiful, yes.. But maybe better up in the christmas tree then around someone’s neck… darn..

I think I want to fall in love… All memories arising yesterday, reminded me of that feeling. And I love that feeling. And I understand all those people just being happy about being in love, who doesn’t have the need to express their feelings for the person who holds their affection. When the feeling is so good why spoil it? Why run away and risk to lose face? Lose ideals? No, I think I want to be secretely in love with someone. I’m just gonna find someone to direct my affection at.. Just a little crush. A little springcrush.

I probably just want to remove my attention from the big decisions I have to make soon, but who cares, a little springcrush can’t hurt anyone, can it? I made the phonecall today.. Great! i just was so nervous that I forgot to mention everything and I think I made an appointment for an interview rather than coming to see the school… oups! :/ I supppose I have to call them again…:P

There are a few things in life that can make something tingle in my soul. And one of these things are called spring. And just the thought of a walk in a sunny stockholm or a coffee with a funny friend on a sunny café got me started today. And some memories are like tiny beautiful boxes to open on a day when they can do most good. I haven’t had any big feelings in such a long while, that it was almost unbearable when they stepped into my life today. I had to lie upside down for a while. Little drops of sunshine tickles my heart. Happy, confused, giggly and a little confused again, and why is there no good word for “orka” in english? Non ne posso più! Jag orkar inte! I feel in love… And I almost can’t stand it… I have a decision waiting for me around the corner och jag orkar helt enkelt inte! But there’s exaltation in this too. There’s no escape.. I know that. I don’t think I can run away from this… Faith is gaining up on me and this time I think I want to make a decision and my options are good. And spring is in the air. Love is in the air…. Long lost memories are reminding me of happy moments. How small these things are, these little drops of sunshine that makes me happy!

Happy, giggly but yet a little confused faery is tickling my being. It’s funny, I have to laugh sometimes. Jimmie and Palliot thinks I’m crazy… well i think I’m crazy too so there’s really nothing to worry about…

Tomorrow, big, difficult, scary phonecalls. And in less than a week… Milano.

Today I was actually too tired to work, didn’t have any energy at all and didn’t really want to talk to anyone. A new guy at the door tried to make conversation, don’t know the english word for “kallprat” asked me if I liked my job. With too much going on in my mind I didn’t really sound too enthusiastic about it, so he didn’t really believe me when I said I love it. And I wasn’t enthusiastic about it, because I really didn’t feel like standing there and try to talk and answer questions that he didn’t really care about hearing anyways. Besides, I think the difficulty in telling how I really feel about my job lies a lot in the fact that I’m in a crossrow right now. Or I’m not really there yet, but I see it approach me faster and faster and I can’t decide until I can see my exits more clearly. There are soo many possibilities right now which road should I go down? I really like my current job and my boss is planning on giving me a fulltime job, with more responsibility and higher influence, which is great! It would give me better references and I would learn a lot of new things and I could change things and affect things on my own working scene, just as I did at Lucky Seven. And the schedule would be a dream, I would work from 12.30 until 21. Lovely for the kind of evening person I am. I could work full time and earn money, enough to maybe open my café one day. But I’m also getting very restless and I’m thinking about applying to the jewellery design course in milan, then I would rather use the summer to go to italy and practice my italian. I have already applied for two jobs that seems very interesting. One in a touristvillage as hostess, boutique assistant or singer and the other at a travel agency as a tourist guide. I’d love to do both. And I know I’m qualifyed for them and would do a great job on either. First I have to wait and see if they want me, then I have to check out the school and see if I want to apply for it. If I do that, it’s really a decision I make for the closest maybe 5 to 10 years. Staying here means postponing that decision of what to do with my life. It also means staying here. And that means to start living here, maybe try to find a boyfriend. Try to settle down. I’m just not sure I want to settle down. But if all the other things fail, it’s not bad to stay here, it’s just aiming a little lower in life. Though where I stand right now in my mind… I want to aim high. I want to achieve the unachievable.

Today also in my a little “drifty” mood I saw a guy that reminded me of Isa. And all of a sudden I realized that I missed him, that’s a feeling I never thought I would have. I was standing there and I thought how happy it would have made me if it really was him. When I left Casablanca and stockholm I was sad to leave all of them. Not cause they are the most loveable people in the world but because they’d been around me for the last 3 years and I’d grown attached to them. But even at that point even though I was sad to leave them I never thought I’d actually miss them. But here I am, reminded from a quick face that on a closer look didn’t look like him at all, missing him, missing all of them.

So I’m going to bed now, still not knowing what to do next in my life, with a little bit of “I miss you” in my heart.

They are definately not easy to protect yourself from having… Even harder when someone else projects something at you. You can defend yourself and try to make them understand what you really mean, but can you really reach them? When she uses me to be her patronizing self, what can I do to step out of that role..?

I believe we always see reflexions of our own self.. Especially in writing.. Relating…. Is the only time we really understand eachother when we are on the same frequency? When we are projecting the same things on eachother? Is there a possibility to tear down the curtains of projection and see eachother for what we really are? If it’s possible, would we learn less or more? Would I find a story even worthy of listening to if I couldn’t relate to it? Empathy. Some things we don’t have to experience for ourselves to understand and be compassionate about. Feeling another person’s feelings, chakras wideopen.. Posessing the feeling, and beeing able to relate to it… When do I know that the feeling I’m having is the other person’s feeling or just my own projection…? Intuition can give me the answer.. but there lies the difficulty of finding intuition in the mess of brainghosts in our heads.. fears, longings, hopes, habitudes, projections…

I usually forget this, but when my intuition speaks, then there’s really no question, even if I have emotional blocks, I know.. deep down.. what is true. Ok, so still, it’s difficult, but I can protect myself from projecting, but how do I protect myself from beeing projected on?

There’s a saying “You only regret the things you didn’t do” That’s not totally true, coz I’ve been starting to regret also the things I do. Leaving me afraid of doing things and regretting that I didn’t do anything.

There’s another saying.. “Don’t regret anything” I guess that would help me more. Ok, so I didn’t talk to the guy yesterday that I thought was cute, I’ll try not to regret it, if he was an important person in my life I guess I’ll see him again. And if I don’t then I should be glad I didn’t waste my time with him… But is it really that easy? Can I go through life relying on that fate will bring about the special moments or those special people. I noticed something this spring, that if I act, even though it’s terrifying or emabarrassing and my pride is att steak, life likes to play with me again. Or rather that I like to play with life.. and that everything can be transformed into an opportunity and acting even when acting stupidly makes me feel so much more alive.. And I always fall into theese small traps where I think I’m above it all, and already learned that lesson, where instead of maybe acting differently I don’t act at all..

He was dancing with another girl, but we had made eyecontact long before that, and I sensed we had some kind of bond. First I was annoyed that guys are so easy and that they switch to whoever is after them closest at hands, then I saw that we still had contact. I gave him a flirtatious smile and he saught contact with me another time, it could be that he was just looking for confrimation, maybe both from me and the other girl. He didn’t take her home, they never made out and I suspect the interest where mostly from her side. He could be an idiot, but he could also be a very nice guy. He could have been looking for confirmation, but it could have been that we actually had contact and that we would have been eachothers’ first choice if anyone of us had stepped up and talked to the other. And now I’ll never know.. Unless fate steps in and I meet him again that is.

Coward as I am, I’m regretting the things I didn’t do, but trying not to regret anything and rely upon fate, that she gives me another chance with those special someones or somethings and try to remember until next time. To act, and not to regret.

I feel very unsatisfied right now. And extremely restless. But I actually think that’s a good thing, in a way, it brings me closer to realize what I really want. There are really no boundaries but my own fears, and of course not knowing where to start. But if I know what I want and hold on to my dreams, soon life will lead me to that. As long as I know what I really want, life is also capable of giving me that..

So… Why are people sooo afraid of the “supernatural”, just because it’s not scientifically proveable? When it’s even been tested and proven that we don’t use our senses to percieve everything that actually is reality. That is we can’t see, hear, smell or feel everything that’s really there and especially not the things we’re not inhabited to. How can you throw away a possible reality just because it’s occured in another event, does that make it less real? And if those people only knew how big effect our thoughts can have on all things.. what would they do? Is it because they are scared? Need something to cling to? How could anything really be supernatural? If it happens it should be natural, or are the only things natural the things that can be measured with our small means.. When we have discovered sooo much, why is there an impossibility that we can discover more things? Or that some things just aren’t meant to be discovered? That maybe there is something that is bigger than we can understand.. Isn’t that making science religion? Isn’t that just believing that too? And purely scientifically are you even aloud to believe? Yes, there’s a reason to why every great scientific man also is a religious man. When our brains, that work through everything we experience, vibrates on a different frequence how can we really tell if that level isn’t also reality? When we only use 10 percent of our brains (or is it less?) how can we exclude anything from reality? Really?

I can’t say that I do know much about anything, but knowing that makes me understand not to exclude anything from beeing reality, or beeing real for another person than me… How do I know which is right? I don’t. I have no answers. Therefore, for me, nothing is an impossibility and imagine what possibilities I have considering that!